The Courage to Believe

By Cherina Jones

Long ago I left the black church. My reasoning was personal. I had grown tired of the hypocrisy I had witnessed. The anxiety I felt, fearing that my innermost feelings and thoughts may be exposed was too much for me. I had claimed salvation may times during my journey in Christianity. I never knew exactly what that meant, I just knew that I wanted my parents to be proud and for God not to hate me. The gruesome pictures of what an afterlife in hell would be if I did not succumb to the power of the holy spirit placed an unnatural fear in me that I could never shake.

It is no secret that the black gay community and the black church are at odds about God and morality. The black church most often publicly denounces homosexuality. Homosexuality, it seems, coming from the mouth of the black church, is high on the list of worst “sins.” If you have ever attended a black church regularly you probably have sat through many fiery sermons about the evils of homosexuality. I am sure we all have heard what has become much of a cliché, “God made Adam and Eve—not Adam and Steve.” These sermons prod at the esteem of those young men and women who know in their hearts they cannot change their sexual orientation. Vilified and stereotyped, some gays and lesbians who continue to attend these so called organizations of love, doubt their relationship with God and their entrance into the pearly gates of heaven.

We have all heard the stories about young men and women proclaiming to be delivered from homosexuality. These stories are often laced with the cheers of “you can do it too!” Most of these people concern themselves with the deliverance of your soul. They are told, as Christians often are, to win over souls for “the lord.” I suppose there will be millions of Christians lined up in heaven to receive their free toaster ovens for every 100 persons they “won” for Christ. I say that jokingly, but the spiritual turmoil that many of us have faced is very real. To be shamed into a faith where a God is suppose to love you unconditionally is not only oxymoronic, but misleading and deceitful. The hypocrisy of the black church perhaps is noted throughout its history, and at times black Christian leaders are taken to task for their “sins.” At the end of the day however, the tragedy is not in the corruption of the black church, but how many gay men and women are doubting their own spirituality.

The challenge for those of us who believe in the necessity of spirituality is finding support. I left the black church without the support of many of the people who had loved me as a heterosexual. It is interesting how one can be convinced that God’s love does not stretch across the line of sexual orientation. I needed to be okay with who I was. I needed God to be okay with me as well. It was shortly after I left the black church that I began to question the existence of God all together. I tried to wrap my mind around atheism, and began to birth a whole new respect for atheists. The version of God that was fed to me as a young person had become so vile and despicable in my eyes. I pinned God as a hypocrite and convinced myself that I could not love a God who clearly couldn’t love me.

Those times were transitional. Those times were challenging.

After I emerged from the ashes of anger and resentment, I knew I had to seek deeper. Instinctively I knew that how I had perceived God all of these years was in fact wrong. I never became an atheist and frankly even with the knowledge I have about spirituality and God, I don’t understand atheism as I once did. It is perhaps how I see God that contributes to my lack of understanding. I still respect atheists, many of whom are very enlightened.

I sought the support of like minded, like hearted individuals. I often hear that it is the message, not the messenger that is most important. As I grow and learn, I simply find that hard to believe. You can’t be an instrument of love if you carry around an exception list. Like any living thing, we need to be nurtured in order for us to grow healthy. The caretaking of our spiritual selves can be no different. It is my belief that our spiritual selves are our true essence, and the physical self is just a reflection of who we are spiritually. If you have a plant and you keep it in a dark space, water it rarely and talk negatively to it, the likelihood that it will continue to live is minimal. The environment where you position the plant is just as important as the water you feed it; our spirits are no different.

I am not rallying all gays and lesbians to leave their churches. Gays and lesbians should consider their spiritual environment and assess whether that environment supports their growth. We often financially support these institutions that do not provide the kind of spiritual support that embraces who we truly are. We suffocate ourselves by indulging in rhetoric that simply spiritually counts us out because we are gay. We lotion ourselves with guilt and drown ourselves in shame, which at times tragically plays itself out through suicides.

We are a community of people who love God, in whatever form we choose. We should continue to support each other spiritually and climb out of the dry shadows of homophobic religious rhetoric. Find God within yourself and understand that God truly loves without exception.