Friends...

By Saundra Bunton

Our friends are a reflection of the people we are. We spend our time with people who share the same hobbies, likes and interests. When we meet someone new and we find that they also have a secret indulgence for reality television we squeal with delight and hope that they never betray our giddiness. We know exactly which friend to call for exactly which activity – movie night is for one friend, club night for another, and socially mature dinner night with yet another friend. We know which friends to trust with the deepest darkest secrets, and we know when to be a little secretive around our friends. In fact we probably know why our friends are moody or secretive or upset even before they tell us; such is the nature of friendship. True friendship is truly knowing a person, their ins and outs, and in order to know another person you must know yourself at least a little bit, enough to share yourself with someone else and enough to see yourself in your friends.

Because of this, it could be argued that since we’ve chosen these people to be a part of our lives, to share our secrets, to join our inner circle and know us in ways that few ever will, our friends must share aspects of our personalities. They probably could finish your sentences if you would stop talking long enough for them to interject. They know exactly what you need to hear when you’re sad and disappointed, and they even know the right way to scold you when you need to be yelled at. They know this because they know what they need if they were in your position and they know that you will do and say the same for them when the wheel of fortune has turned. Even though it is said that opposites attract the fact is that if you have very little in common with a person, what would be the basis for the relationship? This is especially true when it comes to friendships. Your friends are probably like you in more ways than you’d ever realized.

It is hard to conceptualize why a person would keep a friend around who is entirely unlike him, who has nothing in common with him, and who does not share any aspect of his personality. This friend would never truly understand, with a friend’s heart, why you would go to your cousin’s birthday party when you and your cousin never did get along. This friend would never know the right thing to say when you are in crisis or when you are just upset for the sake of being upset. This friend would get tired of constantly having to explain himself when you fail to understand his perspective on things. And when would you and this friend spend time together, if you have no common hobbies, likes, or interests? How hard would either of you fight to maintain a friendship like this?

The above is a shallow examination of friendship, because on a deeper level friendship is more than just hanging out with another person or liking the same movies. It is about seeing the best in others and wanting to align ourselves with that. It is about creating allies who will work with us and for us, so that we can be encouraged to aspire and dream and we can inspire our friends in return. In fact our friends are – and must be – an indicator of the values that we hold dear, for our friends personify the qualities that we find valuable in the human race. If honesty is important to us then we will demand that our friends are honest and truthful, no matter how much it hurts for us to receive or give the truth. If compassion is essential then we will align ourselves with people who have hearts of gold, who are kind and considerate, who know how to nurture others. If we value courage then our friends will have warrior spirits, they will have the ability to face danger without being overcome by fear, and will not be deflected from the course of action that they’ve chosen.

What is interesting about “seeing the best” is that it means something different for all of us, so there may be people in your life that you hold dear to you, but that others wouldn’t go near with a ten foot pole. In these instances you have to either examine your own perceptions or hold steadily to what you believe. If you are certain that a person you have chosen deserves to be considered a friend of yours, then you should defend them to the end – but be prepared to live through the consequences or responsibilities of that choice. For if at some point they prove another person’s observation of them to be true, you will be faced with an obstacle to overcome. If, however, your instincts prove to be true, then you will have secured a most valuable ally, who will never forget your diligence and loyalty in being their friend.

What is problematic about “seeing the best” is that just because the potential is there doesn’t mean the friend will ever choose to actualize this. You can find yourself with a friend who constantly talks about her dreams, goals, and aspirations, but never works towards making those dreams a reality. If you choose to work tirelessly towards the actualization of your goals, eventually you will leave this friend behind, and no amount of potential or hopefulness will ever bring them up to your level. Even if they were always encouraging of your success and your pursuit of your dreams, your personality will change, and thus this person will be a reflection of where you were, not where you are or where you newly aspire to be.

What is difficult about “seeing the best” is when a friend has a hard time expressing this type of admiration in return. When a friend cannot be supportive of where you are heading in your path. When a friend stops being encouraging of your success and your pursuit of your dreams. When a so-called friend chooses to negatively criticize and condemn you. More than likely this friend was, at some point or another, someone with whom you shared interests, likes, and hobbies, but, as in the previous example, you have begun to change and this change threatens them, maybe even inspires envy in them. It is then that you realize the friendship was always one-sided, that this friend never saw the best in you, the potential in you, and this leaves you to wonder why they aligned themselves with you in the first place.

In any case, what is important to note is that our friendships are not immutable. Just as life is subject to cycles of change and transformation, we will eventually need to reformat our groups and inner circles to best suit our new perspectives, our new needs, our new ideas, and our new directions. Most of us would like to hope that our friends evolve and grow at the same rate, pace and direction as we do, so that we can keep them close to us for as long as possible, but simultaneously we know that this is an unrealistic expectation. In order for us to move with the cycles of life, we must accept this inevitable truth: friendships are rarely meant to last lifetimes.